


Asterix

by annapods



Category: Original Work
Genre: Cracky, Gen, No Beta, abuse of parenthesis, mcd in a way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-04
Updated: 2015-01-04
Packaged: 2018-03-05 06:51:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,398
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3110165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/annapods/pseuds/annapods
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One fluffy bunny finds itself in a tricky situation with three escape routes.<br/>Or, ramblings about the consequences of choice.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Asterix

[pod version](https://soundcloud.com/user-892546923/asterix)

 

There was once, in a farm over there, next to a school over here, a fluffy bunny named Joe Schmölz (well, their old owner called them all Joe Schmölz, but may she rest in peace, its name was Joe Schmölz). This particular rabbit escaped in the commotion following the old lady's death, and found itself in the school over here, in the courtyard if you want to be precise.  
It was hopping around in broad daylight (we never said bunnies were particularly aware of the dangers of modern life and school-fulls of students) when it was cornered by a group of some (four) of said students who promptly started cooing and awing and oohing. They even arbitrarily renamed it Asterix. What even.  
One of them was now methodically stalking towards Joe, her menacing looming casting a shadow over him-or she could be carefully inching closer in hopes of petting the fluffy rabbit, who knows. Not Joe. Its eyes bulged, its little body freezing under all this fluffed up fur, ready to bolt at the first opportunity. Well, there were three opportunities. Left an open door, right along the wall, center through the open courtyard.  
And that's when that boring story about a random bunny gets interesting. See, for Asterix (Joe Schmölz, whatever), it was about getting out of there in the quickest, most painless way possible. For the student, it was about getting to pet the soft looking fur. For the pigeons, it was about getting the remains of a granola bar ten feet away. But every action has a reaction, yada yada. So when Joe (Asterix) bolted, it sealed its fate, and kind of a lot of people's too (that's a gross exaggeration, what with the choices it made at the first step and every seconds following, every pebble it kicked, every bird it disturbed, but for the sake of simplicity we'll ignore those).  
Let me give you an example.

Say it went right, hoping to catch cover from the buildings around the courtyard. An adult, a responsible adult not easily swayed by adorable animals and alarmed by the noise, caught it on the fly. The blond screeched in compassion. Asterix (Joe) would have, too, but this author doesn't know how bunnies sound (what does the rabbit says?). This responsible authority figure, immune to all things cute (heartless maybe), promptly carried it away, kicking and not-screaming, to a place that smelt like heat and disinfectant and, overwhelmingly, of cooked meat. In fact, cooking rabbit meat. From the farm over there, now property of the cosmopolitan doctor, son of one newly deceased old lady (rip), and not at all interested in caring for rabbits and several other types of farm animals. Luckily for him, the administration of the school over here (well, the minister they had to defer to, really) was on an organic-healthy-locally-grown kick, and looking for new suppliers. The school and the son came to a mutually beneficial agreement, and the menu of the day was changed to rabbit. Joe (Asterix), perhaps sensing its doom somehow, wriggled two-fold and managed to escape, if only for a while.  
It is not clear exactly what happened next. It included one irate (heartless) adult, two kitchen staffs with knives, an aspiring bout of fire and somehow, Joe (Asterix)'s ears were separated from its body. Oh, never fear, dinner that night was still delicious. Still, the ears were laying rumpled on a kitchen counter. And when someone went to throw them away, they had disappeared. To this day, students can sometimes feel a brush of fur against their legs when the cafeteria is serving rabbit.  
Also, one of the cooks quit and went on to become a renowned butcher.

Now, let's say Asterix (Joe) escaped left. The door was open, after all, and maybe it could find a nook to hide in. Just like when the grandson of the old lady, a true hell-spawn, would stuff his greasy fingers though the bars and grasp at the bunnies in the corners. So Joe (Asterix) jumped the threshold, and soon three sets (revolutions really) of stairs, until an open door (and he could have climbed higher still, showcasing once again the choices we make, but that's another story). The door led to a corridor, and there! Someone leaving a room, providing Joe (Asterix) with yet another opportunity. The rabbit quickly slipped between the legs of the boy in question, who let out a piercing screech and slammed the door behind him.  
Due to a series of unfortunate events related to a family of mice, the previous residents of the room had relocated. The mice had then been cruelly hunted down and executed, but by this time we were nearing the end of the year and everybody found it simpler to just close it down till next year. The person sent to do that, however, was an irresponsible and deadly afraid of rodents teenager who'd just felt what looked like an oversized mutated rat dash between his feet, and had no scruples in locking the door and calling the job done. Unfortunately for Asterix (Joe), there would be a shortage of students this year and the door would remain closed.  
Forward a bit. A certain group of students that we won't name were once again daring each other with stupid rule-breaking misbehaviors (it's all part of a shady story of bets that is so not the point right now). Namely, breaking in to room n.3, that was "not to be opened under any circumstances by unauthorized individuals" (aka students). Said unauthorized individual was anxiously turning the knob as his friends snickered a safe distance away. The door silently turned on its hinges, revealing complete darkness, until. Two red dots and a gleaming pair of incisors.  
Thus was born the legend of rom n.3. And because the guy couldn't complete the dare, he had to make it up by another feat of epic stupidity that got his arm in a sling, but somehow solidified his desire to become a stunt actor. That led to his death forty years later in Norway, as opposed to forty one years later in Finland.

Anyways. Let's say that Joe (Asterix) went for the courtyard. Unfortunately (for her future love life), it miscalculated and the girl caught it by its left hind leg. She then proceeded to hug it (strangle it) to within an inch of its life, rocking from side to side, all the while squealing in joy. Asterix (Joe) did try to escape her evil, evil clutches, but its airways were just a tiny bit too constricted for that. Louka (let's call her Louka. Or was it Jade ?) chose not to head any warnings from her more reasonable friends and ran to her room (n.5) and put her beloved Asterix (Joe) on her bed before rushing back out. The fluffy bunny spent an hour shivering from fright, huddled on top of the covers before it recovered enough to explore. It then, somehow : found and decimated the super secret snack stash, pooped on three of the beds, ripped the curtains, chewed up two power cords and a biology project, and last and least, got stuck on top of a wardrobe. You can imagine the fury when the girls got back. There were talks of drowning the culprit, of offering it to Mme Serano (whose long list of deceased goldfishes (rip) could attest for her inability to care after pets), and finally, of returning it to the farm over there, see if they wanted yet another rabbit. But by then Joe (Asterix) was nowhere to be seen.  
The girls went to bed, and the next morning the bunny was there, sat on Louka's stomach, staring at her. They caught it, and missed first period bringing it to the farm, and though it the end of the story. But the next morning the bunny was still there.  
And every morning after that, whatever they'd do. They eventually bought a cage, and bunny food, and one of them took it with her when they moved out. They met up every time the bunny escaped, going right back to Louka (on the other side of town), scaring away quite a number of boyfriends.  
The destruction of this particular science project also ensured the marriage of the english teacher and the dodgeball coach, but that's another story.

**Author's Note:**

> Knowledge of larger work not required (i.e. I hope it's not too confusing), what with it not being done due to the author's inability to complete anything. Did you know that this thing is my first finished-done-beginning-to-end work ever? Creative writing class for the win.  
> Anyway, who cares.  
> Have a good day.


End file.
